(Tittelen på dette innlegget tilsier nesten at bloggen min har blitt til Buzzfeed! Jeg skal prøve å ikke la det skje igjen.)
For noe som begynner å bli flere måneder siden hadde jeg helga fri til å skrive – noe jeg for så vidt også gjorde. På fredagen. På lørdagen blei jeg derimot plutselig opptatt med å lese det som kanskje er verdens mest berømte fanfiction – My Immortal.
Veldig kort fortalt: My Immortal er en Harry Potter-fanfiction som etter hvert oppnådde kultstatus fordi den er så... fascinerende dårlig. For det første på grunn av forfatterenes, ehm, liberale forhold til rettskriving, for det andre på grunn av hovedpersonens Mary Sue-tendenser (The prototypical Mary Sue is an original female character in a fanfic who obviously serves as an idealized version of the author mainly for the purpose of Wish Fulfillment. She's exotically beautiful, often having an unusual hair or eye color, and has a similarly cool and exotic name. She's exceptionally talented in an implausibly wide variety of areas, and may possess skills that are rare or nonexistent in the canon setting. She also lacks any realistic, or at least story-relevant, character flaws — either that or her "flaws" are obviously meant to be endearing), for det tredje på grunn av det usammenhengende plottet, for det fjerde på grunn av at så godt som alle karakterene fra det originale Harry Potter-universet er usedvanlig out of character, for det femte på grunn av de latterlig klisjémessige framstillingene av goth-kulturen, for det sjette på grunn av... altså, jeg kunne fortsatt sånn i hele bloggposten, egentlig.
I den grad det i det hele tatt går an å oppsummere det bisarre forsøket på et plott, kan man si at det handler om Ebony Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way, som er en vampyr og en Slytherin, og som går sjuende året på Hogwarts. Ebony er eksepsjonelt vakker og alltid perfekt antrukket. Mye av fanfic'en, særlig i starten, går i det hele tatt med til å beskrive alle antrekka hennes ned til minste detalj, antrekk som, til tross for å være beskrevet som "goffik", mest kan sies å falle innunder det de fleste av oss tenker på som emo/scene-landskapet. De fleste karakterene i det originale Harry Potter-universet har fått en goth-makeover, i tillegg til nye navn (med unntak av Draco, som kanskje hadde et gotisk nok navn fra før). Harry Potter heter nå Vampire Potter, Hermione Granger har blitt til B'loody Mary Smith, Ron er Diabolo, og Neville er Dracola. De som ikke er goffs, er preps (roughly tilsvarende sosser her til lands). Ebony er på dealer'n med Draco, og sammen går de på konserter med My Chemical Romance og Good Charlotte. Så dukker Voldemort opp, og ting begynner å bli vanskelig. Voldemort vil at Ebony skal drepe Harry/Vampire, og med hjelp fra professor Trelawny, sendes Ebony tilbake i tid for å forføre Tom Riddle, i den tru at om han bare opplever ekte kjærlighet, vil han unnlate å gå over til the dark side. Etter at Ebony har kommet tilbake til vår tid igjen, mister jeg helt ærlig litt tråden fordi plottet blir enda mer usammenhengende og skrivefeila tar enda mer overhånd, og den slutter i en cliffhanger med et løfte fra forfatteren om at hun skal skrive mer så fort hun kommer tilbake fra Dubai.
Egentlig var planen at dette egentlig bare skulle bli en kjapp introduksjon, men det går åpenbart ikke an å introdusere det komplekse mesterverket som er My Immortal på en fort og gæli måte.
Uansett. Jeg har samla sammen mine yndlingsøyeblikk fra fanfic'en under. Hele fanfic'en kan forøvrig leses her, men om du ikke har lest den før, er det ikke nødvendig for å more seg med utdraga jeg har plukka ut.
Let's go, bitches.
1. Når Draco og Ebony ligger sammen for første gang, og det hele er beskrevet latterlig tilforlatelig (det meste annet enn antrekka til Ebony er forøvrig skrevet på samme IKEA erotica-måte).
And then…………… suddenly just as I Draco kissed me passionately. Draco climbed on top of me and we started to make out keenly against a tree. He took of my top and I took of his clothes. I even took of my bra. Then he put his thingie into my you-know-what and we did it for the first time.
2. Direkte etter Ebony og Dracos seksuelle debut sammen, følger sannsynligvis min yndlingsdel av hele greia, nemlig denne udødelige karakterintroduksjonen:
“Oh! Oh! Oh! ” I screamed. I was beginning to get an orgasm. We started to kiss everywhere and my pale body became all warm. And then….
“WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING YOU MOTHERFUKERS!”
3. Når forfatteren bryter inn og forklarer hvorfor Dumbledore ikke helt oppførte seg som den Dumbledore vi kjenner fra det originale Harry Potter-universet.
Da only reson Dumbledeor swor is coz he had a hedache ok an on tup of dat he wuz mad at dem 4 having sexx!
4. Denne kjærlighetserklæringa fra Draco.
I went to the girl’s dorm and brushed my teeth and my hair and changed into a low-cut black floor-length dress with red lace all around it and black high heels. When I came out….
Draco was standing in front of the bathroom, and he started to sing ‘I just wanna live’ by Good Charlotte. I was so flattered, even though he wasn’t supposed to be there.
5. Denne andre udødelige karakterintroduksjonen (og -beskrivelsen):
In the Great Hall, I ate some Count Chocula cereal with blood instead of milk, and a glass of red blood. Suddenly someone bumped into me. All the blood spilled over my top.
“Bastard!” I shouted angrily. I regretted saying it when I looked up cause I was looking into the pale white face of a gothic boy with spiky black hair with red streaks in it. He was wearing so much eyeliner that I was going down his face and he was wearing black lipstick. He didn’t have glasses anymore and now he was wearing red contact lenses just like Draco’s and there was no scar on his forhead anymore. He had a manly stubble on his chin. He had a sexy English accent. He looked exactly like Joel Madden. He was so sexy that my body went all hot when I saw him kind of like an erection only I’m a girl so I didn’t get one you sicko.
“I’m so sorry.” he said in a shy voice.
“That’s all right. What’s your name?” I questioned.
“My name’s Harry Potter, although most people call me Vampire these days.” he grumbled.
“Why?” I exclaimed.
“Because I love the taste of human blood.” he giggled.
6. De mange tilfellene av ".........................."-bruk for å oppnå da-da-da-DAM-effekt.
“Oh Draco, Draco!” I screamed while getting an orgasm when all of a sudden I saw a tattoo I had never seen before on Draco’s arm. It was a black heart with an arrow through it. On it in bloody gothic writing were the words………… Vampire!
7. Når Ebony anklager Draco for å ha AIDS.
“You bastard!” I shouted angrily, jumping out of the bed.
“No! No! But you don’t understand!” Draco pleaded. But I knew too much.
“No, you fucking idiot!” I shouted. “You probably have AIDs anyway!”
8. Hele denne scena... jeg prøver å se den for meg i settinga til en Harry Potter-film, og klarer ikke uten å få latterkrampe.
I put on my clothes all huffily and then stomped out. Draco ran out even though he was naked. He had a really big you-know-what but I was too mad to care. I stomped out and did so until I was in Vampire’s classroom where he was having a lesson with Professor Snape and some other people.
“VAMPIRE POTTER, YOU MOTHERFUCKER!” I yelled.
9. Hermione's forvandling til B'loody Mary Smith.
My friend B'loody Mary Smith smiled at me understatedly. She flipped her long waste-length gothic black hair and opened her crimson eyes like blood that she was wearing contact lenses on. She had pale white skin that she was wearing white makeup on. Hermione was kidnapped when she was born. Her real parents are vampires and one of them is a witch but Voldemort killed her mother and her father committed suicide because he was depressed about it. She still has nightmares about it and she is very haunted and depressed. It also turns out her real last name is Smith and not Granger. (Since she has converted to Satanism she is in Slytherin now not Griffindoor. )
10. Når fortellerperspektivet uten forvarsel skifter fra Ebony sitt til Draco sitt og så tilbake til Ebony igjen.
“Vampire, I can’t believe you cheated on me with Draco!” I shouted at him.
I don’t know why Ebony was so mad at me. I had went out with Vampire (I’m bi and so is Ebony) for a while but then he broke my heart. He dumped me because he liked Britney, a stupid preppy fucker. We were just good friends now. He had gone through horrible problems, and now he was gothic. (Haha, like I would hang out with a prep.)
“But I’m not going out with Draco anymore!” said Vampire.
“Yeah fucking right! Fuck off, you bastard!” I screamed. I ran out of the room and into the Forbidden Forest where I had lost my virility to Draco and then I started to bust into tears.
11. Det fantastiske øyeblikket der Voldemort blir beskrevet som at han ser ut som Voldemort fra filmene.
Then all of a suddenly, an horrible man with red eyes and no nose and everything started flying towards me on a broomstick! He didn’t have a nose (basically like Voldemort in the movie) and he was wearing all black but it was obvious he wasn’t gothic. It was…… Voldemort!
12. Når navnet til katten til Hermione tydeligvis også er et spell (jeg har lest Harry Potter-bøkene på engelsk, okå, så jeg har ikke peiling på åssen man skal oversette det ordet til norsk??).
“Crookshanks!” I shouted at him. Voldemort fell of his broom and started to scream. I felt bad for him even though I’m a sadist so I stopped.
13. Voldemorts fantastisk arkaiske måte å snakke på.
“Ebony.” he yelled. “Thou must kill Vampire Potter!”
I thought about Vampire and his sexah eyes and his gothic black hair and how his face looks just like Joel Madden. I remembered that Draco had said I didn’t understand, so I thought, what if Draco went out with Vampire before I went out with him and they broke up?
“No, Voldemort!” I shouted back.
Voldemort gave me a gun. “No! Please!” I begged.
“Thou must!” he yelled. “If thou does not, then I shall kill thy beloved Draco!”
“How did you know?” I asked in a surprised way.
Voldemort got a dude-ur-so-retarded look on his face. “I hath telekinesis.” he answered cruelly. “And if you doth not kill Vampire, then thou know what will happen to Draco!” he shouted. Then he flew away angrily on his broomstick.
("I hath telekinesis" er hands down en av de morsomste replikkene jeg veit om sånn... i hele verden.)
14. Det ene øyeblikket gjennom hele historien der Draco faktisk er in character, før han vender tilbake til sine keitete, sjenerte out of character-ways.
“Ebony! Are you OK?” B’loody Mary asked in a concerted voice.
“What the fuck do you think?” I asked angrily. And then I said. “Well, Voldemort came and the fucking bastard told me to fucking kill Harry! But I don’t want to kill him, because, he’s really nice, even if he did go out with Draco. But if I don’t kill Harry, then Voldemort, will fucking kill Draco!” I burst into tears. Suddenly Draco jumped out from behind a wall.
“Why didn’t you fucking tell me!” he shouted. “How could you- you- you fucking poser muggle bitch!” (c is dat out of character?)
I started to cry and cry. Draco started to cry too all sensitive. Then he ran out crying.
15. Hele denne scena som bare er fantastisk fra ende til annen. "Masticating" er herved det nye yndlingsordet mitt.
Anyway, I started crying tears of blood and then I slit both of my wrists. They got all over my clothes so I took them off and jumped into the bath angrily while I put on a Linkin Park song at full volume. I grabbed a steak and almost stuck it into my heart to commit suicide. I was so fucking depressed! I got out of the bathtub and put on a black low-cut dress with lace all over it sandly. I put on black high heels with pink metal stuff on the ends and six pairs of skull earrings. I couldn’t fucking believe it. Then I looked out the window and screamed… Snap was spying on me and he was taking a video tape of me! And Loopin was masticating to it! They were sitting on their broomsticks.
16. Apropos hands down morsomste replikker...
“I MAY BE A HOGWARTS STUDENT….” Hargirid paused angrily. “BUT I AM ALSO A SATANIST!”
17. Atte hæ?
“BECAUSE…BECAUSE….” Hargid said and he paused in the air dramitaclly, waving his wand in the air. Then swooped he in singing to the tune of a gothic version of a song by 50 Cent.
18. Vampire Potter suger bare casually litt blod fra en Hufflepuff.
Vampire was in the Hair of Magical Magic Creatures. He looked all depressed because Draco had disappeared and he had used to be in love with Draco. He was sucking some blood from a Hufflepuff.
“Hi.” he said in a depressed way. “Hi back.” I said in an wqually said way.
19. Når enda en lærer avbryter det romantiske øyeblikket.
We both looked at each other for some time. Harry had beautiful red gothic eyes so much like Dracos. Then……… we jumped on each other and started screwing each other.
“STOP IT NOW YOU HORNY SIMPLETONS!” shouted Professor McGoggle who was watching us and so was everyone else.
20. Når Ebony innser at hun er for vakker for sitt eget beste (attpåtil mens Draco kler av seg og er klar for sexytime).
“What’s wrong honey?” asked Draco taking off his clothes so we could screw. He had a sex-pack (geddit cuz hes so sexah) and a really huge you-know-what and everything.
“Its so unfair!” I yielded. “Why can’t I just be ugly or plain like all da other girls and preps here except for B’loody Mary, because she’s not ugly or anything.”
“Why would you wanna be ugly? I don’t like the preps anyway. They are such fucking sluts.” answered Draco.
“Yeah but everyone is in love with me! Like Snape and Loopin took a video of me naked. Hargrid says he’s in love with me. Vampire likes me and now even Snaketail is in love with me! I just wanna be with you ok Draco! Why couldn’t Satan have made me less beautiful?” I shouted angrily. (an” don’t wory enoby isn’t a snob or anyfing but a lot of ppl hav told her shes pretty) “Im good at too many things! WHY CAN’T I JUST BE NORMAL? IT’S A FUCKING CURSE!” I shouted and then I ran away.
21. Jeg har seriøst lyst til å starte et band som heter Volsemort and da Death Dealers.
We ran happily to Hogsmede. There we saw the stage where GC had played. We ran in happly. MCR were there playing ‘Helena’. I was so fucking happy! Gerard looked even sexier than he did in da pictures. Even Draco thought so, I could totally see him getting an erection but it didn’t matter cuz I knew know that we were da only true ones for eachother. I was wearing a black leather minidress and black leather platinum boots with red ripped fishnets. Draco was wearing a black baggy MCR t-shirt and black baggy pants. Anyway, we stated moshing to Helena. We frenched. We ran up 2 the front of the band to stage-dive. Suddenly, Gerard pulled off his mask. So did the others. We gasped. It wasn’t them at all. It was.,……………………….. Volsemort and da Death Dealers!
22. Hvis man handler klær noe annet sted enn på Hot Topic, er man åpenbart en prep.
B’Loody Mairy Nodded ENREGeticALLlY. “Omfg totally lets go shopping.”
“In Hot Topic, right?” I asked, already getting out my spshcial Hot Topic Loiyalty carde.
“No.” My head snaped up.
‘WHAT?” my head spuin. I could not believe it. “B’Loody Mary are u a PREP?”
23. Når den lokale gothbutikken har eksklusive klær kun tilgjengelig for da real goffs.
We were going in a few punkgoff stores SPECIALLY for the concerts in Hogsmeade. The salesperson was OMG HOTTER THAN GERARD EXCEPT NOT CAUSE THAT’S IMPOSSIBLE and he gave me a few dresses. “We only have these for da real goffs.”
“Da real goffs?” Me and B’Loody Mary asked.
“Yah u wouldn’t believe how many posers ther are in this town man! Yesterday loopin and snap tried to buy a goffic camera pouch.” He shook his head. “I dint even no they had a camera.”
24. Når man sier noe med en gotisk stemme og løper på en suicidal måte.
Later we all went in the skull. Draco was crying in da common room. “Draco are u okay?” I asked in a gothic voice.
“No I’m not u fuking bitch!” he shouted angrily. He stated to run out of the place in a suicidal way.
25. Dette fantastiske eksempelet på en freudian slip.
“You fucking bustard!” yelled Draco at Vampire. “I want to shit next to her!1”
26. Når Star Wars helt uten forvarsel blir blanda inn i herligheten.
Vampire and Draco stopped fighting….I shopped eating….Everyone gasped. Da room fell silent………………….Volzemort!
“Eboby…..Ebony…….” Darth Valer sed evilly in his raspy voice. “Thou havfe failed ur mission. Now I shall kill thou and I shall kill Vampire as well. If thou does not kill him before then I shall kill Draco too!”
27. Darth Vader er forøvrig ikke den eneste karakteren fra andre fiktive univers som blir sausa sammen med Harry Potter-karakterene.
Suddenly I was in fornt of teh School. In front of me wuz one of da sexiest goth guyz I had ever seen. He was wering long blak hair, kinda like Mikey Way only black. He had gren eyes like Billie Joe Amstrung and pale whit skin. He wuz wearing a blak ripped up suit wif Vans. It was…………………….Tom Bombodil!1111
28. Når Ebony/Enoby/Eboby/Egogy har reist tilbake i tid til... åttitallet??... og møter Tom Bombodil (eller Tom Riddle, da), som forøvrig kalles Satan, og Tom plutselig bare... tydeligvis er synsk?
“guess what they have a concert in hogsment.” satan whispered.
“hogsment?” I asked.
“yeah that’s what they used to call it in these time before it became Hogsmeade in 2000.” he told me all sekrtivly. “and theres a really cool shop called Hot-“
‘topic!” I finshed, happy again.
He froned confusedly. “noo its called Hot Ishoo.” He smiled skrtvli again. “then in 1998 dey changd it to hot topic.” he moaned.
29. Denne sexscena. Og avslutninga på den.
We sat on my goffik blak coffin. My cloves were kinda drity so I pot on a blak leather outfit fingie kinda like da 1 Suelene haz in Undreworld. (if u haven’t herd of it den FUK U!111) . I put on some blak platform high heelz. Darko put on ‘desolition liverz’ by MCR. Den………………………………………….we storted 2 take of eachotherz clozez. I tok of his shit nd he had a six-pak, lolz. We started 2 mak out lik in Da Grudge. He pot his wetnes in my u-know-what sexily. I gut an orgy.
“Oh Draco!111111!1 Oh mi fuking gud Draco!1111” I screemed passively as he got an eructation.
“I luv u TaEbory.” he whispred sexily and den we fel aspleep lol.
30. Enda en freudian slip, denne gangen er det Sirius det går utover.
“Dey are xcused form skool 2day.” Sodomize moaned sexily. “Rite now they are watching Da Nigtmare b4 Xmas.”
31. Professor Slutborn.......
“Whose he!11” I asked.
“Oh, datz Profesor Slutborn.” Satan said.
32. Siden vi først er i gang med tidsreiser, er kanskje denne gjesteopptredenen fra et annet fiktivt univers på en måte nesten litt relevant?
“Ok.” I said but I new dat I had 2 get a new outfit. I walked outside wondering how I kud go forward in time. Suddenly someone jumped in fornt of me. It wuz…..Morty Mcfli!1]] He was wering a blak bnad tshrit and blak bagy jeans.
“What da hell r u dong here!11” I asked.
“I wil help u go frowad in tim Enoby.” he said siriusly Den……….he took out a blak tim machine. I went in2 it and……………………..sudenly I wuz forward in tim!111
33. Denne feilstavinga av Azkaban.
“Oh my fucking god, where’s Draco!!!!111 How did Snap get back here!!! I tohot he wuz in Azerbaijan.” I asked sadly.
34. Oooooog helt til sist, en av de aller beste skrivefeila i hele greia.
“The Dark Lord shall kill all of you. Then you must submit to him!!!!” Snape ejaculated menacingly.